From Riches to Rags.

One week ago today, a coworker messaged me in the morning with the news that she had just been laid off. I felt badly for her and offered the standard lame encouragements; " In the long run you will be better off!" or "This place was not good enough for you anyway."
Well, no good intention goes unpunished. Half an hour before I was ready to go home for the day, a manager called me into their office and told me that due to poor quarterly earnings, I among many others were being released, effective immediately. I smiled and shook their hand and professionally and calmly said goodbye. And by professionally I mean I demanded a free corporate logo coffee mug from my boss in exchange for my company owned laptop. (Yes Nathali, I really did that.) I walked out of the building into sure oblivion, climbed into the car, and called home. My wife answered the phone rather testily and said; "WHAT do you want now?" Perceiving that she was having a bad day with the kids, I decided not to add to her troubles and just said that I loved her and even if I lost my job and we were dirt poor, that I was sure there would be some homeless shelter that would take her and the kids in. Then I hung up.

I drove home and tried to assure myself that I would find something soon, when a friend who runs a contracting company called me. He had heard that I was let go, and he proceeded to tell me how hard it was for people our age to find work again. Because that was really going to help. I told him another call was coming in and asked if he could hold. Then I hung up.

Everything would be fine. I would use this time to regroup, re-baseline, re-envision, and realign. This was a positive thing. I just knew it. In my heart of hearts, I KNEW it. KNEW IT! That is until 3:13 a.m. when I woke up in a cold sweat, screaming and holding two clumps of hair that I had just pulled off the sides of my head. I did not know what to do. There I was, heart pounding, alone in the dark, with no hope or sense of direction, crying out to the heavens for an answer. Suddenly there was a blinding light, and I felt a blanket of coldness all over me. Dessy had flipped on the light, poured a glass of ice water on my head and told me to chill out before the neighbors called the cops.

I got out of bed and started to look for jobs online. I filled out all the unemployment forms. I made plans. First, I would take this time to research a new career. I would lose a ton of weight (which I would need to do if I expected to fit into my good clothes for interviews). I would do more with the kids. I mentally calculated what amenities needed to be cut out so we would not lose the house. - (all of them!) I made a pot of coffee and tried to get some perspective. I drank it from my new mug.

As it turns out, once you fill out all the preliminary forms, you have a waiting period of a week or so where there really is not much you can do except clean out the house, the cars, the lawn, and the bank account. Nothing to do at all. Just wait, and try to not to get bored. So I have decided to do what I do best. Torture any poor soul who has the utter misfortune of crossing my path. Unfortunately this means my kids will suffer the most. They will bear the brunt of my boredom. They will be subject to the vast majority of my sarcasm.

Take Josh for example. He is actually getting very good at recognizing sarcasm and is starting to be a pro at delivering retorts. The first day of Daddy staying at home, he asked why I did not have a job? I told him that it was because I was a useless drain on society. He fired back, " Daddy, when will you die?"
Tonight, he was eating a slice of watermelon and mentioned that he had eaten a seed and he did not like the taste. I told him that if he ate a seed, it would grow in his belly and the leaves and vines would grow out his backside. He said; "Oh, I cannot wait for show and tell at school Friday!"
You cannot help but be proud.

As proud as I am, I am a terrible influence on him. the other day, as I drove him to school he told me that one of his favorite girl friends did not like him anymore. She was telling him he could not sit next to her. "Josh", I says, "The secret to getting a woman to like you is to ignore them. If you act like you do not know they are alive, the will chase you to the end of the earth. Don't be mean, just don't be nice." After class, Josh gets in the van and said that my plan did not work, the girl still did not sit next to him. I thought a moment, and said; "Maybe you should take up smoking Camel straights, chicks love a bad boy. Two days later, I get a call from his teacher on what constitutes appropriate parental guidance.

As I embrace this new phase of my life, I am looking forward to having lots of exciting stories to tell.