The Scare

Wanna know how to get my blood pressure to set off alarms? Ask my wife, she has

perfected the process until it is nearly an art form. Last night I came home to

find her on the couch resting and complaining of having a headache, some nausea

then she went to bed early. This morning Dessy walks up to me right before I get

into the car, hands me some money and just before she starts to cry, asks me to

purchase a pregnancy test kit on the way home.

Time suddenly came to a screeching halt. The air became thick and I could smell

the acrid smell of urine and suddenly my socks were warm and wet. The only

sounds I could hear were the sounds of heartbeat increasing, and the tick, tock,

tick, tock from the clock on the wall. In the back of my mind I could hear a

faint cry of the infant to be.

After a minute or so I became aware that I was not breathing and had to force myself to inhale and mentally come back to the scene of this train wreck I call life.

I am in shock. I was willing to stay home with Dessy, but she did not want me to be late to work, so away I went, spending the entire hour long drive in deep thought.

I first thought about how I would be 70 years old when the little girl graduated high school. (Yeah, I imagined that it was a girl). Next I realized that I would have to take all the baby furniture that I had in the garage ready to sell back in the house. I started to worry about how I would need to stay awake for another year and a half. I calculated that I would now be paying an additional $4000 in diapers and wipes over the next two years.

I said goodbye to my dream of having a wide screen television and matching surround sound system.

But mostly I felt bad for my wife, who would be trapped for another 4 years before getting to really get to be free from 24 hour a day child care.

I was a nervous wreck at work. I tried to not be too conspicuous about my panic.

But as it turns out, other men know the smell of fear and down deep in some dark crevasse of innate knowledge they perceived what was going on. Then they all start grunting and offering advice. The least useful and most offensive tidbit offered was when one individual pulled a huge rusty set of scissors out of his desk and sneered, "Snip snip!"

The conversation then devolved into a discussion of everyone else's vasectomies and how hideously painful they were. After hearing the part about the cauterizing torch welding some poor guys bollocks to the operating table I decided to just head on over to the local farm supply store and get the ACME Goat Neutering device and do it myself. I figure it will be less pain and I can do it over the weekend in the back yard.

After sitting and sweating and worrying for a couple of hours my office phone rings. Dessy is calling, and I panic.  I wheeze out, "OH MY GOD are you in LABOR???" She said, “Don't worry hon, everything is fine. I just miscounted the days on my calendar.” I was dumbstruck. Relieved, but still. This was all because of a mistake in addition? My heart was still pounding. Dessy then said to me, "Is your heart racing? I bet that is the closest you have been to doing aerobics in years! Byeeee!" and she hung up.

Well, Dessy may not be pregnant, but I think I just had a cow.

Door to Door Solicitors.

You probably will find this hard to believe about me, but I do not have a welcome mat at my front door. If I could get away with having a moat filled with solicitor-eating alligators and piranhas, I would put it around my house in an instant.
It is not that I against having people visit our home, it is just that I have a "Zero Tolerance" attitude towards high pressure sales pitches. I do not always walk away with all my money intact, but I have the satisfaction that I have made them sing for their supper so to speak. 

I have been known to badger the heck out of politicians, religious zealots, vacuum cleaner salesman and magazine sales people. It really doesn't matter what the reason they show up on my step, if someone interrupts my solitude by ringing the doorbell, I get nasty. If they are selling something I demand to
see their vendor permit. If they are telling me I need to go to church I impudently dissect their particular theological standpoint to the point that they are willing to promise to switch to my religion, if I would just shut up and let then go home.
On that last point I can tell you, I know enough about religious practice that I can ask all the wrong questions.

Case in point; a month ago a teen shows up selling a Denver newspaper. I was in the back room when I heard the bell ring. By the time I made it to the door, my wife had already heard most of his sales pitch. I size up the kid, a skinny high school senior boy with glasses and all the confidence of mouse in a snake pit. Dessy turns to me and before she can tell me what she wants, I ask the kid why he is talking to my wife. "Are you asking her out on a DATE boy?" He sputtered out a weak "No Sir." and it was game on.

He started to explain that if we bought the paper we would get free tickets to a professional baseball game. I looked at him and told him that my religion prohibits participation in sports. He looked shocked and apologized. He then told me he was a member of a local church and that he was going on a mission trip to Africa this summer. I glare at him and bark out, "What do you plan to do? Go Westernize the feral’s? Aren't you afraid the dingo will eat your baybay" The kid looks a little scared and it is clear he does not know
the difference between Australia and Africa. So I ask the kid what his actual denomination was, be it Catholic, Hasidic or Hindu. The kid is starting to shake at this point. He hedges and says he believes in God and his church is non denominational. Me; "Which denomination is non denominational? Do you believe in like Jesus or something?" The kid: "Well we believe in god. A Christian god. Sir, would you like to buy a paper or not?"
Me: "What do you believe about your god? Is he in a building or in your heart?" The kid blurts out "NO, NO, God is in Everything!" I swoop in for the kill and said, "God is in everything? SO you ARE a Hindu!" At this point I think he pee'd a little and he said he heard God telling him to go home. So I paid for the subscription and released him back to the mean streets, which as it turns out were a lot safer than my front porch.

I figured that the word would spread and people would steer clear of my house. It was not to be.

Two weeks back my wife tells me that a representative from the internet provider showed up and informed her that we were paying too much for our internet and he could get her a deal where we got free cable tv for the same price. Now Dessy, she has been missing some of her favorite channels since we gave up cable 3 years ago. She loves the home and garden and cooking channels.
Last Friday, I get home from work n the table was a work order to have the service changed. Dessy said she was tired of the spotty reception we get with the rabbit ears antenna, and she wanted free cable. Yesterday a package was delivered and it held the cable tv box. I opened it up, and set about installing it. Just as I get started, Dessy decided I need to rearrange my home network and phone system. I pull out wires, replace cords, all that. It takes me about three hours and it is all reconnected and the tv set up. We sit back and turn on the tv. Nothing. Big blank Screen. I call the cable company and they ask me how I installed it. I told them in detail. The tech asks "Sir, did you take off such and such wire off the back of the converter?" Me; "Of course I did, what do you think I am, an idiot?"
Silence.
"No sir, you are not an idiot. Can you put that wire back where you found it?" I did, and it turned right on.

I sit back on the couch and with great satisfaction look at my adorable wife and ask her if she is happy to have more channels. Her response; "I don't really care as long as we get CBS." I was incredulous.
We got that just fine WITH THE ANTENNA!!!