I like the cold. Love it actually. Winter is the best time of the year for me. I just get too excited whenever it starts to snow. I want to play. Sometimes the overwhelming compulsion of my zeal for silliness outweighs common sense. Late last December we had a nice little snowstorm in Colorado and in the course of watching the snow come down I had the most brilliant idea of running outside in bare feet and shorts to make snow angels in the back yard. Of course as soon as my bare feet hit the icy steps I tumbled down and cracked my knee pretty hard on the concrete stair below. It serves me right.
2 months later and I am still limping around, and the pain is getting intolerable. I have been avoiding medical attention because I have been hoping it will heal on its own. But my coworkers are now laughing at me because I walk like an old man, and I have realized that it is time to attend to the injury. The teasing had not gotten to me until my little boy Johnnie started imitating my lumbering around too.
My first attempt to get help, I called a family doctor and made an appointment. I showed up, obviously injured, and made my way to the front desk. The receptionist looked less than interested in my plight as she looked down her pointy nose at me. "Can I help you?" she said in a sarcastic and surprisingly nasal voice. I gave my name and said I had hurt my knee and needed to have it looked at. The receptionist rolled her eyes and looked at the clock. "Fill out this clipboard full of papers and bring them back to the front." I started to fill them out and she sort of made an "Ahem" sound and informed me I needed to leave and bring them back at a later time. When I mentioned that I really needed help right away, I got the evil eye look, like I was somehow cutting in on her personal reflection time or something. I handed back the completed paper work and was told they would call me in a couple of weeks with an appointment! I was a little flabbergasted and asked why I could not be seen sooner and was told that if I wanted help now I should go to urgent care. Well then. I looked at her and smiled and said, "Thank you very little." And away I went.
I found the Urgent Care and they immediately got me in line for an X-ray. They scheduled me for an MRI and that is where the fun begins.
The MRI was scheduled at the hospital. I pulled up to the parking lot and out ran a kid saying, "Give me the keys mister." I got pretty defensive, not being prepared for this attempted car jacking. I was about to beat the daylights out of the kid reaching for my car keys when I saw the sign offering complimentary valet service for hospital visitors. I smiled weakly at the kid and proceeded to clear off the layer of fast food wrappers from the front seat of my old Honda. I gave him the keys and in my snootiest voice, told him to try and use a little finesse with this finely tuned machine. "Yah, what ever Grandpa!" he snorted as he raced off squealing the tires the whole way.
They get me checked in and moved to a room deep in the basement of the hospital. I was ordered to remove all metal from my pockets and surrender my personal effects to a locker. I was led into a dark room, made to lay on a narrow plank and they strapped my leg down so I could not move. I was given a set of headphones and asked what sort of music I wanted. Up on the ceiling there were pretty pictures of grassy fields and waterfalls. I felt like I was in that scene from Soylent green where I was about to be euthanized in the most peaceful way possible.
I was comfortable and listening to music when the table started to move. I was being loaded into a huge donut like tube and the paranoid thought started to churn. "What if something goes wrong and the magnet gets too strong, will it make all my molecules disassociate? Will the magnetron blow up and cut off my legs?" I started to squirm at the thought and over the headphone I hear, "HEY, Hold still!" I tried to calm down then they turned on the machine. It was loud. REAL loud. I was trying not to panic. The noise reminded me of the tree branch shredders you see after a big windstorm. Again I wondered if I was about to be a victim of complete morselization. Then the machine, in addition to making the loud whirring started to make a clapping noise. I tried to think happy thoughts. Cute little kitty cats, serene waterfalls. Water babbling on the brook. Dripping, bubbling soothing water. Dammit, now I have to pee. The voice over the headphones comes back on. "Are you doing OK there? Only 20 more minutes and we will be done." Yea, right. In ten minutes I am going to be legless and covered in urine.
The whirring gets a little louder and more intense. I remember a science fiction movie where there was a fat guy got too much radiation and it changed him into a mutant super hero. I try to imagine what my super power will be. I even think of a catchy super hero name. I will be... Captain Lederhosen. My superpower is that I can eat all the sausages and bratwurst in the meat case at the Sam’s Club. Nah, that sucks. Maybe I will be "Sparkman, Defender of Justice." As I was deciding on a super power, the room suddenly got quiet. I realized I must have been thinking out loud as the machine spun to a halt. The attendant asked if I needed anything. I sheepishly said was alright and I lay there without speaking as they continued the testing for a few more minutes.
The testing finally was over, and I was allowed to get dressed. The attendant took me to the exit, and the valet was alerted that I was coming. Apparently news travels fast in a hospital, because as I was given my car keys back, the valet ducked back into his office. Just before he slammed the door shut I heard him laugh out loud and he said, "Thanks for saving the world from keilbasa there, Captain Sparkman!"
It's gonna be hard to live that one down.
