Doin my Civic Doody

A couple of weeks back I got a nice little blue and white card in the mail, summoning me to jury duty. I was not overly excited about it, in my life I have been called 3 other times, and each time was sent home without being selected to actually sit in on a trial. I especially did not want to go today, because work is a real mess lately.
I arrived at the court house and got in line to be screened by security. The first thing I noticed was that the security guards were not sheriff officers. The second thing I noticed was that they were from a security agency I had never heard of, and the third was that they were both fossils. I got the feeling that the bossy one had been a mall security guard for a long time, cause he was so loud and authoritarian. So I had to mess with him of course.
As I get in line he barks out an order to take off our belts. So I did and by the time I got to the screening gate, I had wiggled my pants down to my ankles. He looked at me funny but I just gave him the excuse that the belt was holding up my pants and I was just following his direction. I did not explain why my shorts were down there too. So after he got done with the cavity search (yeah, the joke was on me) he gives me back my belt, cell phone and keys. I go to the next check point and get sent in to a room with 50 people and 30 seats. I got to stand in the bathroom in the back of the jury waiting area. Fun stuff. As we waited for the court clerk to queue up the obligatory jury duty instructional video, one guy decided to be funny and ask where the popcorn was stashed. Oddly enough this guy was the first to get dismissed from service, he had been tried for the same offense as the defendant, and had used the same lawyer. Ha ha smart a$$.
The judge, the Honorable Judge Harry Kiester, was articulate and careful to make sure everyone understood that the court was not what we normally watched on television, he even stated that Judge Judy, Judge Wapner and all were not representative of real life. At this point I stood and shouted, ’I object your honor, prosecution is leading the witness!" I was given my second warning to cease disturbing the court. My first warning was for the "Free Mumia" shirt I wore to court.
By the time the lawyers had voir dire’d everyone I was half asleep but I still was aware that I was not going to get picked to be one of the 6 jurors who get to sit in and listen to the trial for a DUI offense.
I think I have it down now, how to avoid getting picked. I made a list of the ten easy ways to get dismissed from service.

1. Wink knowingly at the defendant and loudly state that it is ok to drink and drive, if you only had light beer.
2. Wear the mumia shirt.
3. Ask the baliff if he is on court assignment cause he is too fat to fit behind the wheel of a squad car.
4. When the court clerk says please rise for the honorable judge, be sure to yell "Play ball!"
5. Sit in the very back and keep raising your hand and saying, I cannot hear you back here, to whatever the defense lawer is saying.
6. Make comments to the back half of the crowd like, that judge is not wearing pants under his robe.
7. Eat a back of chips that you snuck in under your coat. Make sure to make the bag crackle in between testimonies.
8. When the prosecution is voir dire-ing you, end every answer with "Yes, your worshipness."
9. Raise your hand and show your forefinger and when the judge interrupts the proceeding to ask just what the hell you want now, say " I need to go number 2"
10. When the the judge interviews you to see if you are willing to be a fair and impartial juror, ask him ’How fair?"

I was actually surprised it took them as long as it did to kick me to the curb.

The defense rests, your holiness.