The Crush

Kids these days. They grow up so fast. Just yesterday my son was a few days old and today he announced that he loved a classmate. Normally this does not warrant any special attention from me, as he frequently tells me he loves one friend or another. He even signed a birthday card to one of his guy friends,"Love, Josh." I had to have a talk with him about the rules we have in society over that one. The talk where we set boundaries about proper macho behavior, such as no talking to dudes while you are peeing in a public restroom, and guy hugs are only to be performed when drunk and/or at a funeral. I let Josh know that it is still OK to grab a guys butt on the football field, as long as you are the quarterback trying to run a play.

This afternoon as I went to pick up Josh from kindergarten he jumps in the van, buckles up and then announces a girl gave him a gift. "A girl gave you a gift? What kind of gift? What is her name?" I asked. " Her name is Jasmynne, spelled with a "Y," and two "N's". My first thought was that was a great stripper name. My second thought was that her parents must be part of some religious cult from the 1960's

Josh then showed me his prize, it was a little tiny flashlight. This changed the game a bit. He would have to reciprocate in some appropriate manner. "You should give Jasmynne a present, Josh. Do you like her?" Josh emphatically answered "YES!!, I love her, and she is my best friend!" Things just got real. I started the harassment. "OOOOOHHH, Josh has a a girlfriend, and he LUUUUUVVVVVVVS her! He wants to MAAAAARRRYYYEEEEEE her and move into an apartment with her.
Josh was quiet as he thought this one over. "Daddy, Can I have my allowance so I can get her a ring with a diamond in it?"

"Josh, how do you know she loves you?" I asked. "Corbin told me, and she just laughed when he said it!" Uh oh. She is not afraid to let him know. Not to mention that he seems very comfortable with the idea. When I was his age, the idea of girls being carriers of cooties overrode any ideations of hearing wedding bells.

"Josh, when do you have time to have dates? It seemed like a question that would stump him, but he said, "We meet at the playground and sometimes we kiss each other." At this point I slammed on the breaks of the van, pulled over and took ten deep breaths. "YOU KISSED HER?" I tried not to yell this but I think the guy in the next vehicle still heard it.
Josh seemed very mater of fact and explained that they would kiss on the cheek. He took a close look at my beet red forehead, and backpedaled. " No, I was just kidding, we have not kissed. But I am going to kiss her soon." Well then, I have nothing to worry about do I? At least her does not have a specific date in mind. Although, Valentines day is just around the corner. He will need to get her an appropriate gift. One that is reciprocal to the degree of present she gave him, but not one that will land me an angry call from a crazed parent. Or worse, get Josh punched in the arm by Jasmynne.

I got that punch once. I was in 3nd grade, at St. Pauls  Catholic School. I had it bad for a girl named Amy Keller. Even back at the tender age of 8, I had an appreciation for the whole Catholic schoolgirl outfit, plaid skirt, knee socks and the white shirt. It still sort of works for me, provided the wearer is over 21.  Now, kids learn early that it is a horrible mistake to confide a secret love to ones parent. I made mention of it to my mom and the next day I was sent to class with a little box of candy that I was told I had to give to little Ms. Keller. Fortunately, she was out sick that day, so I just slipped it into her desk with a little note.  Unfortunately, Sister Mary Lizardo saw my action and hissed out my name as she slithered back to confront me. "What did you take from her desk?"
I pissed myself, and started to stutter: "N,N,N,Nothing, Honest Sister. I just left her a note!"
"Give it to me!" I reached in the desk, took out the note and the Whitman's Sampler, then handed it over. The Serpent then read the note, smiled sweetly then softly said to put it back, it would be our secret. JUST KIDDING, she made me read the note to the entire class. "Dear Amy, I like you, would you be my valentine?" I was the center of ridicule. I was mortified, and felt so small. Never mind  that it was mid October, and Valentines was months away. Never mind that I was now scarred for life and would never have the courage to ask a girl out again until I was 25.
Thank God it was Friday and maybe the class would forget this little travesty.  Then next week, I was sitting at my desk, and felt a sharp pain on my arm. Amy was smiling nervously and thanked me for the present. We never made eye contact or spoke ever again. The next year I transferred out of that school to a place that had never heard of vindictive nuns or autumn valentines.

This afternoon I called to Josh and asked what he wanted to do about a present for his new squeeze. He thought about it and disappeared for a while. after about twenty minutes he emerged from his room with a broken item from his toy box. "Here Dad, can we wrap this for her? I looked at it and beamed. Nothing says lovin like a Tonka truck with no wheels and 3 Sesame Street stickers on it.
"Sure Josh, lets do that right away."

I have a feeling I won't have to pay for a wedding dinner any time soon.