AARP : Declares Kids Shows A Danger For Senior Citizens.

Editors Note:

I am going to interrupt my normal subject matter with some pieces that I wrote a while back. Over the next few days, I will be posting some satirical material. I hope you will enjoy them.

 -Mark

PHOENIX, AZ. –
Researchers for The American Association of Retired People have found that senior citizens who are forced to endure certain children’s programs have an 80 percent higher mortality rate than the national average. During a double blind study, people over the age of 50 who were exposed to the insane babble of Barney, Tele-Tubbies, or Veggie Tales videos while babysitting their grandchildren were likely to commit suicide 200 times more often than those in the control group.

  Senior men over the age of 73 were found to have a higher incidence stroke or heart attack after watching "The Doodle Bops", presumably because the chick is kinda hot. One heart attack victim, Harold Niemeyer, was interviewed in a Miami- Dade I.C.U. after experiencing a myocardial infarction. He stated: “I would still like to tickle her ‘Ivory’s’ and not the ones on her keyboard dress, if you know what I mean.”  Mr. Niemeyer’s wife then reportedly pulled the plug on his respirator.


Other more extreme cases were found during the case studies. Three percent of all grandparents who were repeatedly subjected to Second Hand Singing, or “S.H.S.” from toddlers who continually and loudly sang songs The Barney Song, were actually found to die of massive brain trauma.
Even the musical numbers of seemingly innocuous Sesame Street characters such as Elmo and Cookie Monster were found to have correlation to nervous breakdowns with repeated exposures. Mayo Clinic Director of Geriatric Medicine, Dr. Schlomo Chen, weighed in with his latest findings; “The unfortunate truth of the matter is that many of these children’s songs have catchy tunes, and become self propagating ear worms that the victim continues to hear long after the children have turned off their videos or CD’s and have gone to sleep. In fact, hearing the “Elmo Song” one too many times was reportedly the reason that actor James Gandolfini perished while vacationing with his family in Italy, earlier this year.

As it turns out, “C” is not for cookie, it is for “crazy”.
 

Adult subjects over the age of 80 were found to have markedly lower susceptibility to S.H.S. Clinical researchers were initially bewildered by the drop in traumatic incidents, until it was discovered that post octogenarians either were completely deaf, or no longer were aware enough of their environment to give a damn.