Things I probably should not have said at work this week.

It is only Tuesday, but already it has been a stressful week at work. Most of the people at my office are feeling the strain. Everyone has a different way of dealing with it. Some take lots of cigarette breaks. Others eat their way to inner peace. Some have a few drinks after work. Me, I do not like to let stress build up inside until it boils over. I prefer to let it out in the form of subtle passive-aggressive commentary.

So I give you, the printable version of things I have said at work so far this week.

1. "I am sorry, but it is difficult to take your suggestion seriously because it looks like your mommy dressed you this morning."
2. "I am sorry, am I making you nervous? No? Would you like me to?
3. "Hey Mark, have you taken a look at this problem Metric?" (Me) - "You're a problem metric!"
4. "If it were not for the fact that you would actually be better off, I would try to have you  fired."
5. "Wow. And you said that with such a straight face. OMG, you actually thought that was the solution!"
6. "Did you learn that at the Community College of Dumas?" (I made sure the 'S' was not silent.)
7. "I found a book on Amazon.com for you, "How to Pretend U iz Smart, For Dummies."
8. "The boss in 'Dilbert" was not meant to be a role model."
9 "I am sorry that you feel  that I do not respect you as a person or your work. But you are right, I don't."
10. "I don't want your thanks. If I needed accolades and positive affirmations I would still be working in the chorus line at the Moulon Rouge."