You know how I know you're not in college?

As I was driving up to my house today, I noticed a couple of young men canvassing the neighborhood putting out flyers. Sure enough, there was one wedged in my front door. I took it out and read it, only to find out that it was one of those college painter advertisements. It started out "Hi, My name is Billy Dumas, and I am a college student at the University of North Colorado, here in Greeley. I want to paint your house, yada, yada, yada. "

I have to admit, that my first inclination was to wonder if the boy was truly a college student, and next, if he was truly a painter. One, if he really was a college student, he would either be in class at 10 in the morning on a weekday or more likely he would still be sobering up from St. Patty's celebrations two days ago. (Seriously, I remember not seeing fellow students for a week after March 17th when I was at C.U. but admittedly we were sort of known to be a party school. )

I am on the board of directors for our neighborhood home owners association, and am always on the look out for abnormalities in our development. Not withstanding that I am really getting cagey not having employment for so long, and given the fact that our city prohibits door to door soliciting without a permit, I felt the need to explain to them why strangers should never touch my house.

My little 4 year old son Johnnie was all in for going to talk to the two guys, because even he wanted to see what I was about to come up with. I guess my son knows a good show when he sees one. He ran right out to the van, buckled in and yelled, "Let's get 'em daddy!" How could I say no to that cute little face?

With the flyer in hand, I found the two "students" 4 streets away, and I pulled up next to him. I said, "Excuse me, but which one of you is Billy?" One of the kids turned to me and responded, which unbeknownst to him, was sealing his fate.  I held up the flyer and pretended to read it. "So you are Billy Dumas (and I pronounced the 'mah' part as 'mass'), whats your partners name, Bobby Stoopedschitt? There was a glint of fear in his face, and suddenly I felt a rush of adrenaline, much like the feeling a deep sea fisherman gets when he hooks a trophy marlin. Time to start the trolling motor.

Billy stammered "H-h-h-how can I help you sir?" Well, young man, let me tell you how you can help me. Show me your permit for door to door sales that you got from the county clerk." He turned a little ashen and mumbled that he did not know he needed one. I raised my voice slightly and said; "Well now boy, you DO. I oughta call the police and have you fined for solicitation." He squirmed a little and squeaked "Doesn't that mean prostitution?" I knew now that I had three runners on base and was about to hit it out of the park. I barked loud enough for the mailman three houses over to hear, "Did you just ask me to pay for SEX??!!!" His buddy slowly started backing up, looking for safe passage out of this neighborhood. "Is that how you plan to get through college, sleeping your way to good grades? You had better figure out something, cause I know you not a very good painter!" Billy looked very confused at that statement, but I was about to cross home plate. "My house has a brand new paint job, are you even able to see that?" He started to wilt a little, and replied "Uhm, yeah, I saw that." to which I shot back "Oh yeah? What color is my house?" Again with the squirming. "Uhhh, gray maybe?", he guessed. "WRONG, it is puke green! Are you colorblind too?"

The poor kid had just about had all he could take. He looked desperate, like he wished he had studied harder in high school so he could have gotten better scholarships and not have to work during spring break. "Mister, I do not know what to say, what is it you want anyway?" I handed him back his flyer, and said; "I think I want some ice cream.", at which point my little boy squealed with delight and we drove off.