It was not long until the rumors of impending doom started circulating. I heard from an absolutely credible source, the internet, that our water supply was contaminated. I called the city government and they denied it, but suggested that if I was worried I could drink bottled water or boil the tap water before consuming it. Now, I am not normally paranoid, but I thought that it would not hurt to get a few bottles of water. I went to the store and found out there was a run on water. Sheeple and their panic. I laughed at them as I loaded up my van with 50 rolls of toilet paper and 200 bottles of water. I had to hide this from my wife because, well you know, she did not need an excuse to turn me into a canoe.
Soon we got word that our waste water treatment plant was submerged and we were stricken with a no flush order. This put us in a panic. No flushing, no washing dishes, no showers or doing laundry. What to do? First, I taught the boys to pee off the back porch. Did not take much coercing, the 2 year old thought this was the best thing since Disney themed diapers. Next I had to think about how to deal with the other biological waste issue. A neighbor mentioned that if kitty litter was good enough for cats, it was good enough for people. It sounded good so I tried it. It was not working at first. In the first place, the kitty boxes kept breaking under my weight, and secondly, the cat nearly scratched my back to pieces when I tried to use her box. Then reason prevailed and I came up with a plan. I constructed something that I called "My totally bitchin, 2x4 - Home Depot bucket - kitty litter $h*tter"
Now that I had our immediate needs met, one of the oil companies decided to donate the use of porta- potties which they had set up around the neighborhood. Pretty soon it became evident that there was such a thing as "Flood Crisis Economics". Even in a podunk town like ours, you can see that there are the "Haves" and the "Have Nots". Soon the redneck elite had rented their own porta-potties. The local news highlighted some people who are actually embellishing theirs, cause nothing screams Martha Stewart Living, like an upholstered outhouse.
Before long, I had to go back to the store to get other supplies, and saw they were already out of water, but sure enough they had a stack of Charmin T.P. that reached the ceiling. I asked a manager why they were hawking toilet paper when they knew we could not flush. Her face turned the color of cat meat and I got out of her face.
Now, let it not be said that my Boy Scout survival training had been lost on me. I gathered a list of essential items to save my family. A boxed set of Breaking Bad DVD's, two cartons of smokes to use for currency when the money system failed, Kevlar body armor and a Mossberg 590 riot gun to fend off looters and zombies. Oh, and 4 cases of Twinkies, cause those darned things have a great shelf life.
We were adapting, my wife figured out a method of washing dishes in buckets and we started using disposable plates as much as possible. After a couple of days however we had a new problem. Maybe it was the fact that the sewers were backing up, maybe it was rotting debris in the flood plane, which by the way turned out to be about 300 yards from the house. In reality it was none of the above. We all just needed a shower. Our solution? Bathe in the kiddie pool. In retrospect, it may have been better if I had waited until dark because the neighbors were horrified at the sight of a fat yeti singing and soaping up on the back porch. (By the way, the neighbors are equally disturbed if you wait until dark, and stand naked in the back yard, shaving your head under a water hose in the middle of a lightning storm.)
Eventually the rain stopped and we had sunshine again. It was only then that we realized how bad it really was. We could not leave town, because all the roads were either closed or washed out completely. Here is a video just a few hundred yards from my house:
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10201117583674263&l=5938359666390599106
Despite all that has happened, our family is actually quite fortunate, as we are blessed to have people reaching out to us. We have had several families invite us over to shower, wash clothes and have a meal. We are very grateful, because at best we are inconvenienced. Many others are homeless. within 1 mile of us, over 200 homes are being condemned due to contamination or outright destruction.
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