Door to Door Solicitors.

You probably will find this hard to believe about me, but I do not have a welcome mat at my front door. If I could get away with having a moat filled with solicitor-eating alligators and piranhas, I would put it around my house in an instant.
It is not that I against having people visit our home, it is just that I have a "Zero Tolerance" attitude towards high pressure sales pitches. I do not always walk away with all my money intact, but I have the satisfaction that I have made them sing for their supper so to speak. 

I have been known to badger the heck out of politicians, religious zealots, vacuum cleaner salesman and magazine sales people. It really doesn't matter what the reason they show up on my step, if someone interrupts my solitude by ringing the doorbell, I get nasty. If they are selling something I demand to
see their vendor permit. If they are telling me I need to go to church I impudently dissect their particular theological standpoint to the point that they are willing to promise to switch to my religion, if I would just shut up and let then go home.
On that last point I can tell you, I know enough about religious practice that I can ask all the wrong questions.

Case in point; a month ago a teen shows up selling a Denver newspaper. I was in the back room when I heard the bell ring. By the time I made it to the door, my wife had already heard most of his sales pitch. I size up the kid, a skinny high school senior boy with glasses and all the confidence of mouse in a snake pit. Dessy turns to me and before she can tell me what she wants, I ask the kid why he is talking to my wife. "Are you asking her out on a DATE boy?" He sputtered out a weak "No Sir." and it was game on.

He started to explain that if we bought the paper we would get free tickets to a professional baseball game. I looked at him and told him that my religion prohibits participation in sports. He looked shocked and apologized. He then told me he was a member of a local church and that he was going on a mission trip to Africa this summer. I glare at him and bark out, "What do you plan to do? Go Westernize the feral’s? Aren't you afraid the dingo will eat your baybay" The kid looks a little scared and it is clear he does not know
the difference between Australia and Africa. So I ask the kid what his actual denomination was, be it Catholic, Hasidic or Hindu. The kid is starting to shake at this point. He hedges and says he believes in God and his church is non denominational. Me; "Which denomination is non denominational? Do you believe in like Jesus or something?" The kid: "Well we believe in god. A Christian god. Sir, would you like to buy a paper or not?"
Me: "What do you believe about your god? Is he in a building or in your heart?" The kid blurts out "NO, NO, God is in Everything!" I swoop in for the kill and said, "God is in everything? SO you ARE a Hindu!" At this point I think he pee'd a little and he said he heard God telling him to go home. So I paid for the subscription and released him back to the mean streets, which as it turns out were a lot safer than my front porch.

I figured that the word would spread and people would steer clear of my house. It was not to be.

Two weeks back my wife tells me that a representative from the internet provider showed up and informed her that we were paying too much for our internet and he could get her a deal where we got free cable tv for the same price. Now Dessy, she has been missing some of her favorite channels since we gave up cable 3 years ago. She loves the home and garden and cooking channels.
Last Friday, I get home from work n the table was a work order to have the service changed. Dessy said she was tired of the spotty reception we get with the rabbit ears antenna, and she wanted free cable. Yesterday a package was delivered and it held the cable tv box. I opened it up, and set about installing it. Just as I get started, Dessy decided I need to rearrange my home network and phone system. I pull out wires, replace cords, all that. It takes me about three hours and it is all reconnected and the tv set up. We sit back and turn on the tv. Nothing. Big blank Screen. I call the cable company and they ask me how I installed it. I told them in detail. The tech asks "Sir, did you take off such and such wire off the back of the converter?" Me; "Of course I did, what do you think I am, an idiot?"
Silence.
"No sir, you are not an idiot. Can you put that wire back where you found it?" I did, and it turned right on.

I sit back on the couch and with great satisfaction look at my adorable wife and ask her if she is happy to have more channels. Her response; "I don't really care as long as we get CBS." I was incredulous.
We got that just fine WITH THE ANTENNA!!!