Bang, Bang, You're Dead Daddy!

I try to be a good influence when it comes to most things my kid is exposed too. Oh sure, once in a while the 3 year old drops an "F-Bomb" but I am almost certain he heard it from Barney, or that he learned it from a Baby Genius DVD.

One thing I have been very careful to ensure the boys are not exposed is the subject of weaponry. It is not germane to this conversation to delve into my personal philosophy but suffice it to say that my children will be raised to understand that guns are evil and if they mess with my arsenal, I too will become evil, at least towards them.

I have been careful not to purchase any toys that were bellicose in nature, in fact we have bought nothing except educational toys, such as interactive books or tinker toys.

None the less, the first time that Josh played with the tinker toys it seemed that he had assembled some sort of laser rifle. I asked him about what he had made, and he said it was a vacuum cleaner.
So I let this one slide.

Last week however, Josh started holding up sticks and announcing " I'm gonna 'gun' you!"

Oh dear. I know that he did not get this from me, cause I have not gunned anyone since I have been married, much less since he was born. So where did he get this? I am betting it was not from the church nursery, but I won't swear to it.


I will have to devise a method to modify his behavior, but which way do I go with this? It is a fact of life that he will have to hear constant gunfire in our neighborhood, as we live less than a quarter mile from the police practice range. We live in Colorado where many people own guns. I may have to employ extreme measures to shelter my kids but on the other hand I do not really want to stop wearing my "NRA or the Highway" T-shirt. Nor do I want to employ an object lesson of "accidentally" shooting myself in the foot, to drive the message home.

Perhaps the best way will be to take him to a Phish concert and let him know that peace and love and crunchy granola vegan chicks will be better for him. It is hard to say, this sort of thing may just push him the other way. God knows there have been times that I have been tempted to punch a hippie. And I totally love tofu.

Maybe I will luck out and my kids will not want to gun me before my time.

Doin my Civic Doody

A couple of weeks back I got a nice little blue and white card in the mail, summoning me to jury duty. I was not overly excited about it, in my life I have been called 3 other times, and each time was sent home without being selected to actually sit in on a trial. I especially did not want to go today, because work is a real mess lately.
I arrived at the court house and got in line to be screened by security. The first thing I noticed was that the security guards were not sheriff officers. The second thing I noticed was that they were from a security agency I had never heard of, and the third was that they were both fossils. I got the feeling that the bossy one had been a mall security guard for a long time, cause he was so loud and authoritarian. So I had to mess with him of course.
As I get in line he barks out an order to take off our belts. So I did and by the time I got to the screening gate, I had wiggled my pants down to my ankles. He looked at me funny but I just gave him the excuse that the belt was holding up my pants and I was just following his direction. I did not explain why my shorts were down there too. So after he got done with the cavity search (yeah, the joke was on me) he gives me back my belt, cell phone and keys. I go to the next check point and get sent in to a room with 50 people and 30 seats. I got to stand in the bathroom in the back of the jury waiting area. Fun stuff. As we waited for the court clerk to queue up the obligatory jury duty instructional video, one guy decided to be funny and ask where the popcorn was stashed. Oddly enough this guy was the first to get dismissed from service, he had been tried for the same offense as the defendant, and had used the same lawyer. Ha ha smart a$$.
The judge, the Honorable Judge Harry Kiester, was articulate and careful to make sure everyone understood that the court was not what we normally watched on television, he even stated that Judge Judy, Judge Wapner and all were not representative of real life. At this point I stood and shouted, ’I object your honor, prosecution is leading the witness!" I was given my second warning to cease disturbing the court. My first warning was for the "Free Mumia" shirt I wore to court.
By the time the lawyers had voir dire’d everyone I was half asleep but I still was aware that I was not going to get picked to be one of the 6 jurors who get to sit in and listen to the trial for a DUI offense.
I think I have it down now, how to avoid getting picked. I made a list of the ten easy ways to get dismissed from service.

1. Wink knowingly at the defendant and loudly state that it is ok to drink and drive, if you only had light beer.
2. Wear the mumia shirt.
3. Ask the baliff if he is on court assignment cause he is too fat to fit behind the wheel of a squad car.
4. When the court clerk says please rise for the honorable judge, be sure to yell "Play ball!"
5. Sit in the very back and keep raising your hand and saying, I cannot hear you back here, to whatever the defense lawer is saying.
6. Make comments to the back half of the crowd like, that judge is not wearing pants under his robe.
7. Eat a back of chips that you snuck in under your coat. Make sure to make the bag crackle in between testimonies.
8. When the prosecution is voir dire-ing you, end every answer with "Yes, your worshipness."
9. Raise your hand and show your forefinger and when the judge interrupts the proceeding to ask just what the hell you want now, say " I need to go number 2"
10. When the the judge interviews you to see if you are willing to be a fair and impartial juror, ask him ’How fair?"

I was actually surprised it took them as long as it did to kick me to the curb.

The defense rests, your holiness.

Toddler Crisis Number 4,532

A couple of months ago I had hernia surgery. It was my 3rd operation in less than a year, all of them hernia related. Naturally all my limping and whining coupled with the unsightliness of it made a big impression on my 3 year old.

He would frequently come into my bedroom to check on me as I recovered, often asking to see the scars or ask me if it hurt bad. He was genuinely concerned. I suppose when you are only 3 years old that having a parent dealing with an issue for a year just seems like an eternity. It sort of follows that other areas of his thinking will be colored by the event.

A few weeks ago while I was recovering Josh came in my room and started to explore the top drawer of my night stand. It had some gauze dressings, medical tape and some personal items. Josh picked up one of the items, a condom, and said " Daddy, I want the candy!" I was horrified of course and quickly told him that it was not candy, and put it back in the drawer.

Being the persistent child that he is, he started in with the questions. "Daddy, can I have that?"
Any of you with children can attest that at this age the incessant barrage of questions can be maddening. So to avert the normal back and forth, I just barked out, "Put it away, it is medicine!"

I thought this was the end of it.

Until last night.

Josh came out of my room holding a condom and announced, "Look Mommy, I have medicine for Daddy's pee pee!" I do not know how he arrived at this conclusion, but let me tell you, Mommy gave Daddy the look. I did not teach him that, but I knew it was no use trying to defend myself. Sometimes the path of least resistance is to just take the blame.

That, and hide the unmentionables from the kids better.

New Packaging, Same Substandard Offerings.

Well here we go again. New day, New stories.

Some of you will have followed my stories for years. Most of you will be afflicted for the first time.

A little about me.

I am middle aged, just starting my 50th year. The first 45 years were single, but now I am catching up to the norm and have been married about 5 years. My wife is from S.E. Asia,  I have 2 boys, the oldest is 3 years, the youngest 5 months.

This is my ongoing saga.

Enjoy.

Mark